Three Men (Not) in a Boat. And Most of the Time Without a Dog

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Life is brief, and you might pass away before I had finished. But I will tell you what is NOT the matter with me. There is no poetry about Harris- no wild yearning for the unattainable. Harris never "weeps, he knows not why. If you were to stand at night by the sea-shore with Harris, and say: "Hark! Is it but the mermaids singing deep below the waving waters; or sad spirits, chanting dirges for white corpses held by seaweed?

Now you come along with me. I know a place round the corner here, where you can get a drop of the finest Scotch whisky you ever tasted- put you right in less than no time. I believe that if you met Harris up in Paradise supposing such a thing likely , he would immediately greet you with: "So glad you've come, old fellow; I've found a nice place round the corner here, where you can get some really first-class nectar. At sea, you come across plenty of people very bad indeed, whole boat-loads of them; but I never met a man yet, on land, who had ever known at all what it was to be sea-sick.

Dogs on Boats 101

Where the thousands upon thousands of bad sailors that swarm in every ship hide themselves when they are on land is a mystery. Had I packed my tooth-brush?


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And, in the morning, I pack it before I have used it, and have to unpack again to get it, and it is always the last thing I turn out of the bag; and then I repack and forget it, and have to rush upstairs for it at the last moment and carry it to the railway station, wrapped up in my pocket-handkerchief. I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases, generally.

I sat for awhile, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever — read the symptoms — discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it — wondered what else I had got; turned up St. Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with.

I had walked into that reading-room a happy, healthy man. I went to my medical man. He shall have me.

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He will get more practice out of me than out of seventeen hundred of your ordinary, commonplace patients, with only one or two diseases each. After that, he sat down and wrote out a prescription, and folded it up and gave it me, and I put it in my pocket and went out. I did not open it. The man read it, and then handed it back. If I was a co-operative stores and family hotel combined, I might be able to oblige you. After doing some research on various diseases at the British Museum, J.

The friends then make a plan of taking a vacation together as it would be good for their health. After some contemplation, they decide to spend a week rowing up the Thames with their dog, Montmorency. The men then make the necessary arrangements for the trip and choose to bring a cover for the boat and sleep in it, instead of carrying a tent or living at an inn. They make a long list of items but then realize that they ideally need to only carry the essentials. Although they are friends, J. They finally decide to bring a hamper of food, clothing, a methylated spirit stove for cooking and a cover for the boat.

The friends sleep too long but ultimately get on a train to Kingston, from which they will start their journey , on the first morning of the trip.

Harris narrates an incident about getting lost in the hedge maze at Hampton Court. The men then go through their first lock, which is a canal set off from the river that allows boats to pass through a steep area. George then moves away from his group to do some work for his employer in Shepperton.

Harris then gives the idea of visiting a cemetery to see an interesting tombstone, but J. Harris then falls into the food hamper while trying to find a bottle of whiskey. When J. Harris, who has a tall and huge frame, physically intimidates the visitor and they carry on their journey.

Three Men in a Boat (To say nothing of the dog)

Harris and J. The men then have an enjoyable dinner and sleep in the boat at night. The next morning, they get up early and George narrates a story about forgetting to wind his watch and starting his workday six hours early to J. As for our meek suggestions of stables, billiard-room, or coal-cellars, she laughed them all to scorn: all these nooks had been snatched up long ago. In the end we asked a heavenly messenger rather well disguised as a small boy if he knew of any lonely house whose feeble occupants old ladies or paralysed gentlemen preferred , could be easily frightened into giving up their beds, or, if not, could he recommend us to an empty pigstye.

We were not so uppish about what sort of hotel we would have, next time we went to Datchet. To return to our present trip: nothing exciting happened, and we tugged steadily on to a little below Monkey Island, where we drew up and lunched on cold beef. I don't care for mustard as a rule, and it is very seldom that I take it at all, but It cast a gloom over the boat, there being no mustard.

We ate our beef in silence. Existence seemed hollow and uninteresting. We thought of the happy days of childhood, and sighed. We brightened up a bit, however, when George drew out a tin of pine-apple from the bottom of the hamper.

Oh no, there's been an error

We are very fond of pine-apple, all three of us. We looked at the picture on the tin; we thought of the juice.

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We smiled at one another, and Harris got a spoon ready. Then we looked for the knife to open the tin with. We turned out the bags. We took everything out on to the bank and shook it. There was no tin-opener to be found.

Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog) (version 2) by Jerome K. JEROME - Full Audio Book

Harris tried to open the tin with a pocket-knife, and broke the knife and cut himself badly; and George tried a pair of scissors, and the scissors nearly put his eye out. Then we all got mad. We took that tin out on the bank. George held the tin and I took the mast and poised it high up in the air, and gathered up all my strength and brought it down.

It made one great dent across the top that had the appearance of a mocking grin, and it drove us furious, so that Harris rushed at the thing, and flung it far into the middle of the river, and as it sank we hurled our curses at it, and we got into the boat and rowed away from the spot, and never paused till we reached Maidenhead. And at Marlow we left the boat by the bridge, and went and put up for the night at the "Crown.

From Marlow up to Sonning is even fairer yet. Grand old Bisham Abbey is rich in melodramatic properties. It contains a tapestry bed-chamber, and a secret room hid high up in the thick walls. From Medmenham to sweet Hambledon Lock the river is full of peaceful beauty, but, after it passes Greenlands, the rather uninteresting looking river residence of my newsagent, until well the other side of Henley, it is somewhat bare and dull.

We got up tolerably early on the Monday morning at Marlow, and went for a bathe before breakfast.


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Montmorency made an awful ass of himself with a cat, and we had a good deal of trouble with steam launches.